From 300 to 300

Searching for the past…

In my last post I told you about my best friend Grady. I have been looking for photos to scan in and share with his family and friends.

I am still looking and not finding anything. I have moved so many times since he left Michigan, and I wasn’t one for a bunch of photos of my fat self. Though I know that I have some photos of times that we went on vacation together. I am really hoping to find them.

I did find something that I wanted to share.

On the back in my Mom’s writing - Jason, 1984, Age 7.

And then there was about 30 years of eating candy and fast food.

This is me last month, fast food free for a year. As for candy I have an occasional chocolate bar, usually dark with sea salt. Though lately I have had an addiction for chocolate covered espresso beans.

I was over at my friend’s house brewing Mead, a wine that is made with just honey. I will post more about this later, it is a hobby that I have been wanting to get into for a while.

Sorry I am all over the place, I have a lot on my mind, and I just need to get some of it out.

May is the worst month..

First of all,
hello tumblr, I know it has been a while…

Ten years ago my mother passed away in the hospital shortly after they extracted 2 liters of bone marrow from me and gave it to her. This was what was going to potentially save her life. I can’t tell you what it would’ve meant to me to be able to save her life. To be able to enjoy my birthday and Mother’s day which are also in May.

On May 15th, I received an email from my best friend at 10pm.

Hi Jason  this is Grady’s wife Ginny, I’m sorry to have to tell you but Grady died this morning of a heart attack.  Please contact me to chat.

Ginny

She replied to the last email he sent me, which was the one he sent me wishing me a happy birthday. On a side note, my dad has known me 36 years and forgets when my birthday is, in contrast to my friend of 14 years that remembers on his own and not because of a Facebook notification either.

I really can’t begin to tell you how fucked up I am about the entire situation. Actually, I suppose that isn’t true, since I have already started to tell you.

He was one of the greatest friends I ever had. He was more than a friend, he was my brother after mine left ten years ago. Many of the things that I love the most were all influenced by him. Espresso based drinks, Sushi, Thai, and Kung Fu. Ethiopian food was not a hit, be he still got me to go twice.

I know for a fact that without him I wouldn’t have had the courage to go to the Kung Fu school in the first place. We would practice together at work, we became assistants before we got our third sash. We lied on our forms one year and said we had three years of training so we could do full contact sparring. Our competitive natures always pushed one another to constantly be better every day. He helped me to break out of my shell and try new things all the time. At one time we were going to class six days a week. We added Tai Chi, Judo, and San Sau (free hand fighting) to our schedule. If you hadn’t guessed Kung Fu was a huge part of our friendship, and one of the best times of my life.

I had hoped to be able to come visit him, meet his wonderful wife he told me about, and his children. I had always hoped to see him post pictures of him passing his Wing Chun skill on to them. I miss him so very much, though I am glad we kept in touch as much as we did over the last four years. Just wish we would’ve talked more in the last few weeks.

The twins just turned two this month.

Elliot and Levi will not have the chance to know their father, or learn all of the things that he had to teach them. My sole purpose in life now is to teach them Kung Fu now that he is gone. I have to make sure they have that given to them. I need to be able to tell them first hand about who their father was, and how much of an impact he made on my life.

I believe that selling most of my shit and moving to Austin is in my future. He always wanted me to get out of Michigan. He always believed in me, so much more than I ever have. He wanted me to move somewhere new, start a new life, and become more successful.

So now I have two new goals.
Short term: Move to Austin.
Long term: Teach his kids about their father and Kung Fu.

So glad I got to tell him that I loved him, and how much I appreciated how he changed my life a few months ago. Real men talk here kids, it’s cool to tell your bros you love them, I highly encourage that shit! Also don’t be afraid to cry your ass off for days, real men have real tears.

Make sure people know that you love them today, because the tomorrow you are waiting for may never come.

Thank you for reading,
Emotionally Devastated Panda

New Rule

No more drinking and blogging, that shit is dangerous.

Hi There…

I know it has been a little while since I have been on here, I am not the best of bloggers, but thank you for following me anyway.

So.. Yesterday was my birthday, I am now 36, I know I am creeping on up there. I really didn’t have a chance to do anything either. This week was all about finals. I took one exam tonight, and I still have two final project images I need to make for my Photoshop class. I am so burnt out on college at the moment, I will be glad to have this weekend to finally be free of it all.

I have been lazy and skipped the gym this week, but I did walk home from work / college this week. It was nice to get that 2.5 mile walk, though my shoes really sucked.

I hope everyone else is doing well. I will take some time to catch up on the things that I have missed since I have been busy.

Drunk ramblings beyond this point…

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Presentation

Tonight I had a presentation in my Systems Analysis class. We worked on it for two days last weekend at my one team member’s work in a large conference room with a projector.

I have to tell you I really think that we did the best in the entire class. Could be partially because I had a few drinks with the group after class. Could also be because we got to see our score card, and we got a 98/100!

As a side note I did happen to revert back from crazy lumberjack mode into my sensible GQ beard and hair style. Also featured was my red long sleeve shirt and black tie. Which had to be a surprise after weeks of lumberjack in polo and jeans.

The things I do for entertainment. Just because I want to have that shock factor and make an impression. I was under my suggestion that we all go shirt and tie and present ourselves as if we were a professional business team. I was glad to see that we weren’t the only ones to put forth that level of effort.

Random Thought for Today

I can’t tell you the number of times I have looked at other guys and thought to myself “I would really like to look like that him.”

For some reason today I wondered if anyone ever looked at me and has had the same thought…

I know I am still a big guy, but there was this guy walking out of the college today that was bigger than me, and it just seemed like he was starting at me.

Maybe it was my epic beard.

Then I thought about how I look at others at times and what I think.

“I bet running distance must be easy for that guy.”
“Damn, look at how many plates he can lift…”
“No way they get as winded as I do from using the stairs.”

I just wondered if something like that was running through his head. It really made me feel pretty good about where I am at now. Even if he wasn’t thinking about that it doesn’t matter.

I believe that this is something to keep in mind every day.

Who might be looking at you wishing that they could be just like you?

Something to think about the next time you are feeling down about yourself. There might just be someone out there that wants to be just the way you are right this moment.

Love the who you are right this very moment. No matter how flawed you think you might be, because that person might be out there watching.

You know I am.

This is what happens when I clown at work…

Working on removing a virus for the instructor that runs the 15-30-15 class that I go to on Tuesday nights. A while ago, I was working on her system when she came back from a team building day with this prop. I had to try it on when she while she was getting lunch. Then I decided to keep it on, so I could surprise her when she got back.

Yeah, I know my beard is quite insane at the moment. Now that winter is pretty much over, I might have to revert back to my non lumberjack beard.

Bonus points for you if you noticed my Nerd Herd lanyard and know its origin.

The Dawn Of A New Day

Really enjoyed my workout today.

I had a moment during my first few sets where I just had that moment of clarity, and realized how much I really enjoy lifting. I also felt good about taking care of myself.

I started to add in a few low rep heavy sets prior to doing my pyramid sets. Now that it is getting nice out again it is really time for me to get more motivated to go be active every day. I am planning to get at least an hour walk in daily. I will add some sprints in there to have a bit of high intensity movement.

Without having the body composition scan from my school I wouldn’t have any idea that I am making any progress. My weight is still about the same as it has been. Though the scan shows that I have lost fat and gained lean muscle. It is just disappointing at times because I can’t see much change in my body. I do believe that I am getting more tone in my back, almost like a bit of a “V” cut. I will have to take some pics soon and see how they compare with the last ones that I took.

Lately I have really been appreciating my legs. I really love my calves, I have enough veal to feed a small family. My thighs are a bit too fat still, but I can still see some definition that makes me excited.

I have been a big guy most of my life. Now I just want to be a different type of big guy. I don’t want to be a fluffy cloud of muscle, but I won’t hate on you if that is your goal either. I just want to be big, tone, and cut.

I sometimes post images of people that I watch on YouTube, and I will get responses about how this guy is “too big”. Maybe for you or I he is, but as long as he is happy, then why should you care? Then I wonder if how they will judge me when I get to where I want to be, will I be “too big”?

This is where I give zero fucks friends. I am not doing this for any of you. I am doing this for me, I will be done when I say I am done. I am free to put on as much muscle as I want, to spend as much time in the gym as needed. It is my right to have the body that I want, and not the one you, or society, thinks that I should have. I am building the body that I can love, so stop your body shaming bullshit. You just take the time to take care of yours, and not worry about what others do with theirs.

Our time here is already short enough, spending most of it hating yourself makes it that much shorter.